Monday, 2 February 2009

Fear of crime rocketing

AN ACROPHOBIC scaredy-cat who lives in Stinky Rich Street, Broadstairs says the police are not doing enough to tackle her fear of crime.

Speaking on a crackly phone line from the safe inside a nuclear bunker beneath her 135-bedroom semi, where she has spent the last 77 years, Lady Hamilton-Hampshire-Smiythe, who asked not to be named, said: “I haven’t been out since before the war, but I’m even less likely to go out now with all the kids on the street.”

Lady Smiythe is calling for a petition to stop children being brought into the world, to close Broadstairs train station and to put a curfew of 1.30pm on Broadstairs’ under 35s.

Whilst calling for tax cuts, the mother-of-none wants four police cars, and a tank on every street corner in the town, as well as regular patrols by fighter bombers.

The former Baroness added: “The police need to come down here and jolly well stop me being scared.”

If you’re scared of your own shadow, call your local PCSO Jed Toothless on 0766599452.

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