Thursday, 29 January 2009

I did it all

WONDERFUL councillor and hero to the people Steve Perkie helped every single person who lives or ever lived in Thanet this week.

At a KCC debate arguing whether we really need to take seriously this warning about Iceland I suddenly stood up and shouted: "What about the Isle of Thanet?"

Everyone turned to view Cllr Perkie and their faces turned blue, then yellow then there was a deep understanding.

So far I've managed to secure a tenner so we can all build a new shelter in Cliftonville, I got 20 nicker off this bloke in charge of toilets who said I could buy back the Boundary Road ones and the leader, Chief McQuickly, handed me £7.23 and said "go get Dreamland back for the people".

Commenting on the surprise KCC announcement Cllr Perkie said: "I'm really happy. I'm delighted and content that the people of Thanet are really getting a fair deal from county hall. Thank goodness I'd not worn my hat that day for I am sure it would have fallen off with all the back slapping that followed."

The news has been criticised by Tory district council chief Mark Parmy who said: "We don't need this money."

In other news Dane Park fell into the ground and someone painted Cllr Parmy's car orange like the fountain in Dane Park which incidentally fell into the ground.

Toilet adaption for mice - My View

WITH Tories its always cigarettes and alcohol and fast cars - you have to smell their shirts to be sure they're wearing one.

The really fabulous news is that the exalted Labour Government has increased the grant for mice-toilet adaptions from £1 to £3 next year.

Good news you would think?

Until this year, the regulations were that councils had to match 61:39 the amount of mice grant against that of the national cheese debt for France which is in the region of £4 trillion.

For the third time last year, under a lot of heavy weights from the Liberal Democrats, Thanet council contributed seven plates of Romadur, Tilsit, Feta and Edam.

They threw two babybells but they kept bouncing and a dog chased them to Lands End.

Who knows what the future will bring; so far the national cheese debt versus the toilet adaption for mice programme has yielded few results.

Political commentator Fred Michaels said: "It's extremely difficult weighing the demands of a constituency so readily shouting out for social reform yet on the other hand actively seeking cheese to fill their pouches before spring."

Leader of Thanet council Spriggs MC Grew said: "I love cheese. I make no bones about it and like no bones in my cheese. This year's promise of Tilsit is the biggest we have ever offered and no thanks to Central Government, whose cheese ration this year is half of what we received last year, we're making real progress with our continental cheese-style rope.

"The chewy snack is available in Margate's thriving Old Town and we're on track to allow every mouse in the district and from all over East Kent to really enjoy the use of our public convenience facilities."

Meanwhile a man objected to his bin being emptied and a stray beer can ended up on the pavement much to the anger of Mr Jones who immediately phoned the council when he got home.

Back to Ramsgate

Well, I suppose you will all cry and shudder and begin to throw your toys out of the pram when I tell you I returned safely from Wales.

Two sheep under each arm, a goat under my coat and a cat under my hat.

I fully intend to train these animals into becoming a crack squad able to disarm any politically-tense situation should it arise during a council meeting.

My plan is simple: They will enter the chamber through the door everyone uses for a tinkle, before playing Beethoven's fifth on the kazoo.

The point of my post is, no matter what we do in Thanet, we need to get a quality (cheap) mail-pigeon service between the isle and France.

That means no pigeon droppings on BMW's but plenty of surcharges if feathers or feet are missing.

In this way I feel a high-speed rail link could be tested more satisfactorily when measured against pigeons flying as the crow flies.

Friday, 23 January 2009

Film being released

A NEW film is being released but we're not telling you what it's about.

We will tell you that Heat magazine gave it five stars and the Daily Mirror said "truly gripping".

We'll show you clips of people without clothes on, thundering music and images of CGI exploding around people's faces.

We'll add that Jonathan Ross said it was "really great and great" and the Guardian misspelled "brilliant" but we think their film reviewer liked it.

Now it's up to YOU to decide whether you'll spend £8 to go and see this film you know nothing about.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Blog to close down

INTERNET blogger Westcliff Dick is finally closing his blog after writting with wit and style since 1896.

The hottest rumour in town has turned out to be true when Dick merges with Westcliff Matters to create a single title: Dick Matters.

Writing for the final time Dick said: "It was all true and now here I am writing my final message to the prols. I hope you've all had a good laugh. Damn the fencing, damn their eyes. I look forward to working with the Labour councillor on a new and exciting merged blog which is sure to increase website hits."

The news has stunned war veteran Phil McMedget who committed apple murder by gorging on the green fruit.

It was also announced that as both use orange backgrounds the site would remain orange.

Labour frontman Quig McQuickley who runs Westcliff Matters said: "I've got a shitbox which hasn't been emptied for ages and I've got a raving fucking bin which has become some kind of disco for local children and their pet rats."

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

New anti-Manston group

A NEW group of anti-Manston protesters have started up a blog.

The group Help Out Thanet Preserve Our Iconic Natural Tranquility (HOTPOINT) says they just cannot believe that anyone would want to fly a plane.

Spokesman Derek Williams said: "Who wants to fly planes these days anyway? People drive everywhere. It's like in the 50s when everyone thought we'd be riding helicopters to work, planes are a dying breed. We don't need them in the air getting in the way of geese."

However South Thanet MP Dirk McQuick said: "As far as I'm concerned planes have only been spotted above water. I can say, hand on heart, I have never seen a plane before."

Council leader and lingerie model Felicity Sweet added: "I agree with my friend Dirk. I must admit however that I did see a plane while holidaying on my yacht but that was in the Irish Sea and I'd had a brandy so it might not have been a plane."

Despite the assurances Mr Williams and his chums have started up a blog and hope to build an army akin to Dumbledore's Army as featured in the successful Harry Potter novels.

If an army is formed it is believed they will march on Manston and rid the airport of planes and terminal buildings with magic wands and incantations.

Monday, 5 January 2009

My Brain: Comment with Matt Plane

DID you hear the one about a dog and a cat? And the string?

Anyway, this week I've been drinking bottles of wine and laughing at the hilarious comedy on BBC1, BBC2 and ITV.

It really is some of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Anyway, on a more serious note.

I note this that Dover Athletic fans were listening to the Clash rather than watching the match on Sunday.

If there's one thing that we don't need in 1977 is a white riot going on at Hartsdown.

Reports I received from visiting relatives included police and thieves getting on like a house on fire.

A house on fire opposite and someone with a Tommy Gun - there were even reports that somebody got murdered.

Fortunately the street parade didn't go on for too long and after the cops turned up whether they should stay or go didn't really become an option.

After getting lost in the supermarket they hot-footed it down to Margate train station and were escorted home before rocking the Casbah and taking their bedtimes early to have a cup of Horlicks and a quick "jimmy jazz" before sleepy time.

I'll be back next week dissecting the big stories of the area and a big slab of juicy insider Thanet council gossip. Hence the dog, cat and string mentioned previously. Goodnight.

DVD Review: Transformers

Transformers is about a girl played by Megan Fox.

At first she's going out with this really rough idiot but then he won't let her drive his car so she walks.

She gets picked up by this other fella and some stuff happens with robots and they fight.

Megan Fox is later seen drinking an unknown substance in a cafe and then rides around a bit on her moped.

There's a scene where she falls off but she's okay.

She gets up to all kinds of adventures including at one point bending over a car and being a bit sweaty.

She talks about how she knows things about cars and engines and stuff.

At the end Megan Fox smiles and everything is okay.

The film stars Megan Fox and is rated 12. Five out of five. *****

Green Party say no to Thanet

LEADERS of the Kent Green Party has slammed Thanet for existing.

Top brass have called the isle "concrete" after discovering the three main towns and Westgate had a high street.

Leader Gwen Jukebox said: "I find it extremely irritating to discover Thanet council still putting concrete and paving slabs down when we could be laying grass. It doesn't take much to change it on an invoice and think about the grey crested newts that would thrive if planning applications were refused just a bit more often."

Some of the major schemes including China Gateway, Manston airport, Ramsgate, Margate, Cliftonville, Westgate, Broadstairs and the paddling pool on Margate Main Sands have all been casualties of war in the outrage.

Mrs Jukebox added: "How a local authority can still consider planning applications is beyond me. Here we are scraping by and concrete is covering the land. Think about the newts and farmers. One day there will be nothing left."

But town hall brass have hit back at the claims that too much concrete is being used.

Council leader Mark Stimpson said: "I think more people would prefer a road to say a duck pond or wildlife habitat."

At the public meeting about 60 people packed into the tiny village hall in Ramsgate to hear what Mrs Jukebox and bosses from Keep Forgetting Concrete (KFC) had to say.

A plan of direct action has now been agreed including turning signs the other way to confuse people where Thanet is as well as sawing the edges of the isle so it floats away.

Man sees a UFO

A BLIND man has reported seeing a UFO to police after he tripped over a watering can in his garden.

Derek Beeching, 99 from Alfred Close, Margate was busy cleaning up some weeds when he turned around and tripped over the green watering tool.

A second later a buzzing noise made him look up when his eyes suddenly cleared for a second to witness the unidentified object.

The former coffee drinker said: "I just couldn't believe my eyes when I could see through my eyes. It was as though someone had opened the curtains and a UFO was flying about outside the window. I quickly grabbed my Canon digital camera that I keep about my person and took a snap."

After snapping Mr Beeching took a picture, see above, which UFO experts at Oxford are calling "extremely interesting".

General boffin matters manager Niles Pierce said: "It's extremely interesting. Especially the bit about the UFO although our top corporate eye specialists can find no explanation as to how Mr Beeching was able to witness the UFO when he has been legally blind for the past 89 years."

A chance encounter with an Alsatian with a penchant for eyes led Mr Beeching to his disability when he was 10-year's old and living with his aunt Nora in Battersea.

He moved to the isle at 11 after being disowned by his disapproving aunt and uncle.

The former Prime Minister has been informed and teams from MI6 have taken Mr Beeching away "until he is all better".

Thursday, 1 January 2009

Sport round-up

Sport and a man kicked a ball

Will he get the ball in a net?

YES! The ball is in a net. This is a clash of the many football matches that are happening this year.

That's a goal. A team has scored a goal. A member of a team has hurt his shin Another team has kicked a ball at his face.

Another goal of some kind. This is a GAME of football.

We'll be back next week for some football. Imagine the same teams playing this game over and over again. Balls and feet. Grass and shin pads. All the live action here, here and hear it all again.

With goals and shins.

Final score: 0:0

Changes to graves

Thanet council have made extreme changes to the way you can grieve your loved ones.

Originally you could leave flowers and look after gravestones but that is all about to change.

Now you can visit once a year and leave a flower as long as it contains a vase with water.

People wishing to mow the lawn around gravestones can piss off.

Upset resident Anthony Meow said: "I'm really upset and my name is Anthony Meow."

Following this you must whistle four tunes before leaving via a hovercraft.

You will need to pay £45 per visit.