Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Coming up in this week's SPORT

STUPID teenagers with nothing better to do than hang around street corners looking at phones and spitting can now be moved on by police.

Click here to read

Things I Hate - by Bert Simmons

Hello. Here's a list of things I hate in no particular order...

  • Copious numbers of CCTV Cameras.
  • Copious numbers of speed cameras.
  • Speeding motorists in narrow roads.
  • Audi drivers.
  • Mercedes drivers.
  • Suped up Ford Fiestas.
  • Drum and bass music in cars.
  • Old men with tracksuit bottoms, and tops, on.
  • Wet towels.
  • Spiders.
  • Pointless regulation like CRB checks for Johnny Ball.
  • Old people in shops.
  • Young people in shops.
  • Children in general.
  • Teenagers especially.
  • BBC 3 "documentaries" about how we're all dogging, waxing our pubic hair and watching Simon Cowell's face.
  • Unclear road markings.
  • Roads that are two lanes and become one without telling you.
  • Two lane roads with traffic lights that suddenly become one lane straight on and then the other lane turn right only.
  • People who get in the wrong lane of roads with traffic lights that suddenly become one lane straight on and then the other lane turn right only and try and squeeze in.
  • Cars that pull out expecting you to stop to let them into the flow of traffic.
  • Cars that don't stop to let you out when you've pulled out expecting someone to let you into the flow of traffic.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009


Hello my name is Widget Beranger, I want to be your next MP.

I have spent seven years running a dog training school and now think that Nasa flights from Manston are bad, those Japanese plans to build a super-site are bad and Turner Contemporary stinks of poopoo.

Vote for me and I'll make grass the number one option at Commons meetings.

Gordon will be thrilled. I will also ensure everyone gets a suit.

Vote for me.

Friday, 13 February 2009

Coming soon...

COMING soon to a blog near you is the Thanet Sport.

The red top tabloid version of the Isle of Thanet Express the Thanet Sport will bring you all the weekend's action in an easy to digest style.

Instead of police we'll say cops, instead of finance cabinet member we'll call them boss-of-something-or-other and if it's a councillor talking we'll make 'em sound like a twat.

That's right you can get all the latest up-to-date info with your Thanet Sport and we'll even chuck in some TV reviews and pairs of massive tits.

Private ads and free beer round of your essential start of the week reading. Don't miss it. Launching Sunday. Or Monday.

Celebrity Watch

Today local celebrity Harkny Chantelle Missouri Special Legs left her home at 10.03am.

Wearing some shoes she walked a small dog before bumping into ex-lover Mark.

They briefly kissed before she headed to Westgate Pavilion for a doughnut.

An onlooker said: "It looked like they didn't want to be seen together but I saw them together and my friend said they had sex together at one point."

At 11.01 Harkny left the Pavilion and tripped over a stone before going to a kebab shop and feeding a chicken one to her dog.

She entered an address on Adrian Square and emerged an hour later looking flustered with her hair all about her face.

Seven minutes later a man left and he looked the same.

A neighbour said: "I heard them doing it."

Westgate needs a sign

Westgate needs a sign.

Westgate deserves a sign.

Sign up now and show your support for a Westgate sign.

Resident and editor of the Isle of Thanet Express said: "I'm sick of driving into Birchington and it welcoming me to it and then turning up in bloody Margate. That's Westgate. Let's get the signs sorted. We need our own identity.

"Also sort the bloody car parking out."

Thursday, 12 February 2009

We are ready for launch

Space flights from Manston airport between 3am and 7.03am have been given the thumbs up at a full council meeting tonight.

TDC leader Kelvin Munch said Thanet was "open for business, open for abuse" when councillors voted 73 for and 3 against for the proposals.

Cllr Munchy said: "This is great. Cheers everyone. Even those who want me out and those who don't support the Tories. You're wrong, but thanks anyway."

Cllr Elizabeth Snatchell voted against the proposals saying: "We don't need no astronauts around here," before exploding.

The meeting had a five minute recess to allow slower councillors to read the new Section 106 agreement and those that had read it already were treated to a guest performance by Tom Jones.

Corporate Improvement Manager Sharon Cod said: "He was fabulous and even took his shirt off."

The changes to the 106 agreement will now allow astronauts to break wind during the day and fly really big space craft at night.

One of the astronauts, Colonel Franks said: "We might not even bother going to space. We'll just go round and round over Ramsgate. It'll be hilarious."

One councillor who wore a bag on his head said schools, cats, dogs, children, adults, young adults and old people would all suffer from the agreement.

He said: "Already people have started sneezing and one lady who moved under the flight path literally cannot stop shaking. She told me 'who'd have thought they'd start using that old airport' and she has a point. No one could have seen that coming."

Full council meeting suspended, cabinet members remained to increase council tax by £10k before eating some prawns.

Tuesday, 10 February 2009

In my opinion

The credit crunch is really biting us ordinary folk in Thanet.

This week we had several visitors and ambassadors from the credit crunch union along with the carpet laying forum.

Working with our multi-agency partners we believe we can create a beacon of hope.

Our best practice frame work allows us to work from the bottom-up creating a can-do culture among our employees. In my capacity as leader of Thanet District Council you will find that the benefits will begin cascading down from the top.

This is an initiative we should all cautiously welcome, after all it was introduced by the Labour government.

Our champion on this is culture boss Roger Kingsland who will be offering all citizens empowerment.

Of course, we need your help. That's why we're launching the community engagement programme. This will be of course conditionally arranged and will need to be consensual from adults. Our core message at the heart of this is, though, everything is okay.

Our democratic mandate when we were elected empowered us to engage users but the evidence base suggests we face one of the biggest external challenges we have ever faced. In our lifetime and yours.

The best we can do is facilitate this change and offer a framework to suit everyone. This joined up approach is sure to benefit everyone.

many frameworks

I invite all stakeholders to get in touch with me. This strategic and overarching yet streamlined subsidiary is sure to be of concern to the third sector.

I hope my honest and transparent approach has given you some value-added in this vision. Let us unlock the potential with these possible local solutions.

You're welcome.

Missing cat not seen for over an hour UPDATED

A CAT has gone missing from his home.

Last seen just over an hour ago the cat, called Misty, was seen with a "disenchanted look in his eye" before going out of the front door.

His family have made a heart-felt plea for his safe return.

Owner Sue said: "Wherever you are Misty, please, just call us and let us know you're all right."

"two foot long with a face"

Misty is described as black, about two foot long with a face. Last seen in the Westgate area of Westgate he responds to the words "Misty" said in a high pitched voice.

Anyone with any information is asked to contact police.

Update: Unfortunately Misty was eaten by a dog. Many thanks go to the person who alerted us to this mishap.

Angel of the south to be white elephant

A HUGE white elephant was chosen as THE simple of the south after a multi-million pound hunt to find a piece of art work that summed up the south.

Turner Contemporary overlord Karen Shapples chose the elephant on its "artistic merit" adding: "What we have here is quite simply pretty good.

"Out of the three we had to choose this piece actually looked like something. The rest were just pieces of wood cobbled together and then we were told it was contemporary and stood for mans evolution or human kinds symbolism in the universe. Just a load of old bull really."

The elephant, which stands over 5 foot high, can be seen from quite up close and is painted in tipp-ex to withstand even Kent's notorious weather.

The South East's answer to the angel of the north was warmly greeted by art lovers including Turner Prize winner Shane O'Keiff. He said: "Art is all about what's inside. On this particular occasion what was inside was an elephant. I think that is something everyone in the south can aspire to."

A planning application will now have to be submitted to Gravesham council.

Gravesham council leader Todd Grew said: "We plan to refuse permission so we can stick it to KCC. Unfortunately as a planning matter I am unable to give you any kind of comment."

The elephant's designer, creator and mother said: "I'm tremendously excited."

Sunday, 8 February 2009

Thought for the day: with Rev Cola

Hello fans. At this time of year when many roads begin to unhook themselves and disappear for no apparent reason I find comfort in the Lord.

Many of you will still have fresh in your minds the worry last year when Dane Valley Road simply upped and left us, leaving many residents unable to travel to work.

At times like this I think it important to look at how we can all affect our own roads. Change them. Make them better. Get a new car.

We of course pray that nothing like this ever happens again, however, College Road did seem to be slightly holy the other day as I drove by in my 4x4 and I saw a young man with a spoon gently carving the yellow lines away.

These are sad days when gangs of spoon-holding yobs can steal our yellow lines from public roads.

I wish you all a very holy Sunday and a happy February.

Friday, 6 February 2009

NASA expected at Manston

NASA is understood to be planning space flights out of Manston from as early as March – a move that will create hundreds of astronaut jobs.

Thanet council top brass revealed on Monday that space missions over the isle could begin with the imminent arrival of Nasa boffins and their spaceships.

The announcement came after Manston bosses approached the council to negotiate a change to what sort of business was carried out there.

CEOASAP, Damien Cook said: "We think that Thanet really needs its own space port. What with Gatwick getting a 19th runway and Prestwick falling into the sea I say come on people, let's go to the moon."

Labour councillors were quick to judge.

An unnamed one said: "Why did Thanet council deem it a good idea to let journalists know before us? Just because we're not in charge and people will obviously now find out about the meeting through reading it in the paper it would have been jolly nice to have found out before the proles."

If space flights do begin it is believed a special space station would be set up run by people from all three towns creating up to 2,000 highly skilled maintenance jobs.

Thanet council is hoping Thanet college can begin space station maintenance courses and space shuttle flight instruction next week.

What do you think of the space plans? Leave your messages here which we will then send out into space in the hope of finding intelligent life.

I have a dream - With TDC leader Frank Murrow

Hello proles.

Today I woke up with a vision in my head.

In my vision I saw Margate covered in art. Lovely striking art. That's when I wrote something down.

The following night someone came to me in my sleep and told me Ramsgate had a port. I decided there and then this was the future.

A week later I became aware of an airport on this fair isle and added it to my vision.

Broadstairs had ice cream shops.

And so today I launch what I am calling, the vision, a document intended to stand out and say "Hey, you. This is Thanet and you know what, we've got an airport, we've got some beaches and we've got a port worthy of putting some boats in."

In 20 years time Margate will have street lighting, an art gallery and even some shops. We're throwing in a cafe culture environment and if you feel like it, go to the beach.

In Ramsgate there will be a compass shop because by then the future of travel, boats, will be all the rage and you will need one. Also everyone will have a job as a maintenance man on the windfarm project.

In Manston you can fly to the moon from our space port and dock with Westwood which we sent into space to ease congestion. Jobs flying the space ships will also bring in thousands of employment opportunities.

While there you can go to Marks and Spencer or why not go see a film at Vue.

We're here, we've got beer at the cafe culture environment we've created and the future vision document is an inspiring look I believe everyone will want to get behind.

I really will endeavour to make the community engage in this initiative with it's multi-agency approach and resource allocations which we have been striving for proactively for the past 4 years.

The over-arching value added in this plan cannot be underestimated and I hope you will understand this can be extremely transformational.

You can comment on the proposal by sending your writs to Thanet District Council, Space Station 4, Cecil Planet. SP9 1JU.

You will need to make your representations by Thursday May 3 before it goes for green-lighting special at Full Council.

Monday, 2 February 2009


Hello and good evening. Hi. Well it's certainly been a chilly day and hopefully you all wrapped up in coats and scarves and hats and thermals.

Our picture today is from regular viewer Anty Dorrit who sent in this picture of a duck on a frozen lake being mauled by a crazed butcher.

If we take a look at the south east we can see we're in for a lot of snow which is moving in from the west where it's been snowing pretty heavily. East Grinstead is reporting at least a centimetre of the white stuff.

Overnight you can expect temperatures to plummet to around three degrees which at this time of year is quite normal and hardly worth mentioning.

On to tomorrow and there's a bright start for the day if you live in Melbourne where they are currently enjoying summer.

For the rest of us it looks like a generally miserable day with the odd sheep.

That's all the weather and I'll be back, weather you like it or not ha ha, tomorrow.

Back to you Simon.

And I'm sitting on the sofa so it's either a light-hearted story, the sport or the weather. We'll my producer is telling me we just had the weather so I guess that's the end of the programme.

Thanks for watching, we'll see you tomorrow night, goodnight. Sleep tight. All the best.


A FORMAL announcement was expected from the Prime Minister today over the worsening crisis.

Snow, which David Cameroon had warned about, came literally out of nowhere according to the PM.

Speaking at a press conference he said: "It is clear that mistakes have been made and we did not see the snow coming. I have contacted the cabinet member for snow and he has assured me that the issue will be looked at.

"We should all bear in mind that this is not just a national crisis but a global one. We are no worse affected than those living in Scotland or Australia."

The PM held a joint press conference with the Chinese delegate Mr Wu who confirmed everybody's suspicions.

He said: "There is assuredly snow on the ground. I saw it."

Many people discovered their cars had turned white and others feared trains would ground to a halt after snow was discovered on the tracks.

One commuter who refused to be named said: "I saw snow as I came in and when I got on the platform there was some snow. A train went passed with a bit of snow on it and I caught the train. When I got off there was still snow on the ground. It's disgusting and I'm outraged."

Thanet Mayor Cyril Cake said: "It's definitely snowing and I can confirm that, but at this stage I can confirm I have no comment to make other than confirming it. Margate Old Town is already showing a turn around in fortunes and we will have Turner Contemporary built on time, on budget and on schedule."

You can find up-to-the-minute reports of the snow where you are on our special snow channel available on sky 906 next to the sex channels.

For reaction to how the snow has affected children, who have been seen touching it, see this week's print version of the Express. See how schools coped on the isle when none of them closed because of the flurry.

We will have pictures of people wearing coats, hats and scarves as well as up to the minute reaction to snowball fights and snowman building.

To see a train not moving, a car parked in some snow and one of our reporters literally reporting in the snow watch the 6 o'clock news.

Fear of crime rocketing

AN ACROPHOBIC scaredy-cat who lives in Stinky Rich Street, Broadstairs says the police are not doing enough to tackle her fear of crime.

Speaking on a crackly phone line from the safe inside a nuclear bunker beneath her 135-bedroom semi, where she has spent the last 77 years, Lady Hamilton-Hampshire-Smiythe, who asked not to be named, said: “I haven’t been out since before the war, but I’m even less likely to go out now with all the kids on the street.”

Lady Smiythe is calling for a petition to stop children being brought into the world, to close Broadstairs train station and to put a curfew of 1.30pm on Broadstairs’ under 35s.

Whilst calling for tax cuts, the mother-of-none wants four police cars, and a tank on every street corner in the town, as well as regular patrols by fighter bombers.

The former Baroness added: “The police need to come down here and jolly well stop me being scared.”

If you’re scared of your own shadow, call your local PCSO Jed Toothless on 0766599452.

Thursday, 29 January 2009

I did it all

WONDERFUL councillor and hero to the people Steve Perkie helped every single person who lives or ever lived in Thanet this week.

At a KCC debate arguing whether we really need to take seriously this warning about Iceland I suddenly stood up and shouted: "What about the Isle of Thanet?"

Everyone turned to view Cllr Perkie and their faces turned blue, then yellow then there was a deep understanding.

So far I've managed to secure a tenner so we can all build a new shelter in Cliftonville, I got 20 nicker off this bloke in charge of toilets who said I could buy back the Boundary Road ones and the leader, Chief McQuickly, handed me £7.23 and said "go get Dreamland back for the people".

Commenting on the surprise KCC announcement Cllr Perkie said: "I'm really happy. I'm delighted and content that the people of Thanet are really getting a fair deal from county hall. Thank goodness I'd not worn my hat that day for I am sure it would have fallen off with all the back slapping that followed."

The news has been criticised by Tory district council chief Mark Parmy who said: "We don't need this money."

In other news Dane Park fell into the ground and someone painted Cllr Parmy's car orange like the fountain in Dane Park which incidentally fell into the ground.

Toilet adaption for mice - My View

WITH Tories its always cigarettes and alcohol and fast cars - you have to smell their shirts to be sure they're wearing one.

The really fabulous news is that the exalted Labour Government has increased the grant for mice-toilet adaptions from £1 to £3 next year.

Good news you would think?

Until this year, the regulations were that councils had to match 61:39 the amount of mice grant against that of the national cheese debt for France which is in the region of £4 trillion.

For the third time last year, under a lot of heavy weights from the Liberal Democrats, Thanet council contributed seven plates of Romadur, Tilsit, Feta and Edam.

They threw two babybells but they kept bouncing and a dog chased them to Lands End.

Who knows what the future will bring; so far the national cheese debt versus the toilet adaption for mice programme has yielded few results.

Political commentator Fred Michaels said: "It's extremely difficult weighing the demands of a constituency so readily shouting out for social reform yet on the other hand actively seeking cheese to fill their pouches before spring."

Leader of Thanet council Spriggs MC Grew said: "I love cheese. I make no bones about it and like no bones in my cheese. This year's promise of Tilsit is the biggest we have ever offered and no thanks to Central Government, whose cheese ration this year is half of what we received last year, we're making real progress with our continental cheese-style rope.

"The chewy snack is available in Margate's thriving Old Town and we're on track to allow every mouse in the district and from all over East Kent to really enjoy the use of our public convenience facilities."

Meanwhile a man objected to his bin being emptied and a stray beer can ended up on the pavement much to the anger of Mr Jones who immediately phoned the council when he got home.

Back to Ramsgate

Well, I suppose you will all cry and shudder and begin to throw your toys out of the pram when I tell you I returned safely from Wales.

Two sheep under each arm, a goat under my coat and a cat under my hat.

I fully intend to train these animals into becoming a crack squad able to disarm any politically-tense situation should it arise during a council meeting.

My plan is simple: They will enter the chamber through the door everyone uses for a tinkle, before playing Beethoven's fifth on the kazoo.

The point of my post is, no matter what we do in Thanet, we need to get a quality (cheap) mail-pigeon service between the isle and France.

That means no pigeon droppings on BMW's but plenty of surcharges if feathers or feet are missing.

In this way I feel a high-speed rail link could be tested more satisfactorily when measured against pigeons flying as the crow flies.

Friday, 23 January 2009

Film being released

A NEW film is being released but we're not telling you what it's about.

We will tell you that Heat magazine gave it five stars and the Daily Mirror said "truly gripping".

We'll show you clips of people without clothes on, thundering music and images of CGI exploding around people's faces.

We'll add that Jonathan Ross said it was "really great and great" and the Guardian misspelled "brilliant" but we think their film reviewer liked it.

Now it's up to YOU to decide whether you'll spend £8 to go and see this film you know nothing about.

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Blog to close down

INTERNET blogger Westcliff Dick is finally closing his blog after writting with wit and style since 1896.

The hottest rumour in town has turned out to be true when Dick merges with Westcliff Matters to create a single title: Dick Matters.

Writing for the final time Dick said: "It was all true and now here I am writing my final message to the prols. I hope you've all had a good laugh. Damn the fencing, damn their eyes. I look forward to working with the Labour councillor on a new and exciting merged blog which is sure to increase website hits."

The news has stunned war veteran Phil McMedget who committed apple murder by gorging on the green fruit.

It was also announced that as both use orange backgrounds the site would remain orange.

Labour frontman Quig McQuickley who runs Westcliff Matters said: "I've got a shitbox which hasn't been emptied for ages and I've got a raving fucking bin which has become some kind of disco for local children and their pet rats."

Wednesday, 7 January 2009

New anti-Manston group

A NEW group of anti-Manston protesters have started up a blog.

The group Help Out Thanet Preserve Our Iconic Natural Tranquility (HOTPOINT) says they just cannot believe that anyone would want to fly a plane.

Spokesman Derek Williams said: "Who wants to fly planes these days anyway? People drive everywhere. It's like in the 50s when everyone thought we'd be riding helicopters to work, planes are a dying breed. We don't need them in the air getting in the way of geese."

However South Thanet MP Dirk McQuick said: "As far as I'm concerned planes have only been spotted above water. I can say, hand on heart, I have never seen a plane before."

Council leader and lingerie model Felicity Sweet added: "I agree with my friend Dirk. I must admit however that I did see a plane while holidaying on my yacht but that was in the Irish Sea and I'd had a brandy so it might not have been a plane."

Despite the assurances Mr Williams and his chums have started up a blog and hope to build an army akin to Dumbledore's Army as featured in the successful Harry Potter novels.

If an army is formed it is believed they will march on Manston and rid the airport of planes and terminal buildings with magic wands and incantations.

Monday, 5 January 2009

My Brain: Comment with Matt Plane

DID you hear the one about a dog and a cat? And the string?

Anyway, this week I've been drinking bottles of wine and laughing at the hilarious comedy on BBC1, BBC2 and ITV.

It really is some of the funniest things I've ever seen.

Anyway, on a more serious note.

I note this that Dover Athletic fans were listening to the Clash rather than watching the match on Sunday.

If there's one thing that we don't need in 1977 is a white riot going on at Hartsdown.

Reports I received from visiting relatives included police and thieves getting on like a house on fire.

A house on fire opposite and someone with a Tommy Gun - there were even reports that somebody got murdered.

Fortunately the street parade didn't go on for too long and after the cops turned up whether they should stay or go didn't really become an option.

After getting lost in the supermarket they hot-footed it down to Margate train station and were escorted home before rocking the Casbah and taking their bedtimes early to have a cup of Horlicks and a quick "jimmy jazz" before sleepy time.

I'll be back next week dissecting the big stories of the area and a big slab of juicy insider Thanet council gossip. Hence the dog, cat and string mentioned previously. Goodnight.

DVD Review: Transformers

Transformers is about a girl played by Megan Fox.

At first she's going out with this really rough idiot but then he won't let her drive his car so she walks.

She gets picked up by this other fella and some stuff happens with robots and they fight.

Megan Fox is later seen drinking an unknown substance in a cafe and then rides around a bit on her moped.

There's a scene where she falls off but she's okay.

She gets up to all kinds of adventures including at one point bending over a car and being a bit sweaty.

She talks about how she knows things about cars and engines and stuff.

At the end Megan Fox smiles and everything is okay.

The film stars Megan Fox and is rated 12. Five out of five. *****

Green Party say no to Thanet

LEADERS of the Kent Green Party has slammed Thanet for existing.

Top brass have called the isle "concrete" after discovering the three main towns and Westgate had a high street.

Leader Gwen Jukebox said: "I find it extremely irritating to discover Thanet council still putting concrete and paving slabs down when we could be laying grass. It doesn't take much to change it on an invoice and think about the grey crested newts that would thrive if planning applications were refused just a bit more often."

Some of the major schemes including China Gateway, Manston airport, Ramsgate, Margate, Cliftonville, Westgate, Broadstairs and the paddling pool on Margate Main Sands have all been casualties of war in the outrage.

Mrs Jukebox added: "How a local authority can still consider planning applications is beyond me. Here we are scraping by and concrete is covering the land. Think about the newts and farmers. One day there will be nothing left."

But town hall brass have hit back at the claims that too much concrete is being used.

Council leader Mark Stimpson said: "I think more people would prefer a road to say a duck pond or wildlife habitat."

At the public meeting about 60 people packed into the tiny village hall in Ramsgate to hear what Mrs Jukebox and bosses from Keep Forgetting Concrete (KFC) had to say.

A plan of direct action has now been agreed including turning signs the other way to confuse people where Thanet is as well as sawing the edges of the isle so it floats away.

Man sees a UFO

A BLIND man has reported seeing a UFO to police after he tripped over a watering can in his garden.

Derek Beeching, 99 from Alfred Close, Margate was busy cleaning up some weeds when he turned around and tripped over the green watering tool.

A second later a buzzing noise made him look up when his eyes suddenly cleared for a second to witness the unidentified object.

The former coffee drinker said: "I just couldn't believe my eyes when I could see through my eyes. It was as though someone had opened the curtains and a UFO was flying about outside the window. I quickly grabbed my Canon digital camera that I keep about my person and took a snap."

After snapping Mr Beeching took a picture, see above, which UFO experts at Oxford are calling "extremely interesting".

General boffin matters manager Niles Pierce said: "It's extremely interesting. Especially the bit about the UFO although our top corporate eye specialists can find no explanation as to how Mr Beeching was able to witness the UFO when he has been legally blind for the past 89 years."

A chance encounter with an Alsatian with a penchant for eyes led Mr Beeching to his disability when he was 10-year's old and living with his aunt Nora in Battersea.

He moved to the isle at 11 after being disowned by his disapproving aunt and uncle.

The former Prime Minister has been informed and teams from MI6 have taken Mr Beeching away "until he is all better".

Thursday, 1 January 2009

Sport round-up

Sport and a man kicked a ball

Will he get the ball in a net?

YES! The ball is in a net. This is a clash of the many football matches that are happening this year.

That's a goal. A team has scored a goal. A member of a team has hurt his shin Another team has kicked a ball at his face.

Another goal of some kind. This is a GAME of football.

We'll be back next week for some football. Imagine the same teams playing this game over and over again. Balls and feet. Grass and shin pads. All the live action here, here and hear it all again.

With goals and shins.

Final score: 0:0

Changes to graves

Thanet council have made extreme changes to the way you can grieve your loved ones.

Originally you could leave flowers and look after gravestones but that is all about to change.

Now you can visit once a year and leave a flower as long as it contains a vase with water.

People wishing to mow the lawn around gravestones can piss off.

Upset resident Anthony Meow said: "I'm really upset and my name is Anthony Meow."

Following this you must whistle four tunes before leaving via a hovercraft.

You will need to pay £45 per visit.