Tuesday, 30 December 2008

Entertainment Review:

Last night I caught up with long-running soap Kent TV.

Tuning in by typing in the website I caught the beginning of Chris Wells and Kent's GCSE results.

If you've never seen the programme before it has a pretty standard format. Each week journalist and celebrity chef Tom Chow turns up at someones press conference and talks to them about their jobs.

Sometimes there is a sordid affair and other times there are fights and guns going off shooting bullets into people's faces.

This week however Tom sat down on a comfy chair and questioned: "So how’s Kent done?"

The protagonist Chris Wells sips a large brandy before driving a Land Rover into the side of a local boozer. Sharon comes round the corner screaming about mortgage payments.

Chris roars: "There’s been a lot of confusion about this so I’ll try and make it as simple as I can."

At this point Sharon reveals she is in fact Shane and Tom Chow is actually a moose.

The plots may be confusing but I heartily recommend it for the subtle sub-plot of love brewing between two young butchers and a mortgage adviser called Mandy.

King Edward stabbed in Cliftonville

New year celebrations have been marred by a stabbing in Cliftonville last night.

It happened on Northdown Road shortly before 9pm when Edward was being washed in the sink.

After having his skin removed he was cut into four pieces and thrown into boiling water.

Edward, whose brother Frank paid tribute to his "loving" sibling, was thought to be only seven weeks old.

"A courgette, was inconsolable."

Frank, 72 a retired pharmaceutical engineer, said: "We'd been working the fields together for about seven weeks when we both took a truck together to St Nicholas. He went his own way and I went mine. When I heard the news my wife, a courgette, was inconsolable. I don't know how we're going to go on."

Police say the matter remains under investigation but the motive of the attack remains unclear.

"No leeks."

PC Steph Muir said: "At this time of year we're all thinking about our potatoes but perhaps some thought for the turnips and carrots might not go a amiss. As regards to the stabbing and subsequent boiling of Edward we have no leeks."

The farmer has been notified and is due to carry out Sunday lunch early next week.

Monday, 29 December 2008

Press Release: Gordon Purple

Thanet council has been slammed for not passing on recession busting cuts in VAT to customers.

The change came into effect on December 1, after Chancellor Sue the Panda announced a two-and-a-half per cent cut in the tax, which she said was “to provide support and protection to families” during the economic downturn. She also accused Sooty of using his water gun "inappropriately."


Thanet council tories decided not to fully pass the change onto users of services including fish stick collections, badger baiting, walking, eating cake, smelling flowers and showering under gutters because they didn't read the email.

They intend to keep the extra profit to invest in the growing trend of local authorities training kittens to carry out undercover work for the CIA.

"Smelling flowers"

Cllr Gordon Purple, proactive Labour shadow finance committee working party member board group elect, believes more should be done when fish stick collections currently cost the tax payer over £7 million a month.

He said: “I don't understand."

Meanwhile KCC face a backlash after it was revealed they have set up a new radio station called Kent Radio.

Shows run 24 hours a day and feature KCC leader Jools Smarter reading from the 1748 erotic novel Fanny Hill.

Plane lands in Manston

People living in Ramsgate, Broadstairs and Manston turned out to a meeting held by KIA chief Matt Shark.

The meeting, organised by the Green Organisation Building a Better Sunnier Happier Tomorrow (GOBSHT), was to discuss the increasing worry of residents that planes were using the airport.

Ramsgate resident Sid McVity said: "When we moved here we never once dreamed that a plane might take off and fly over Ramsgate and then land at the airport."

"How can we possibly allow an airport to exist?"

The room erupted with roars of support before Chastity Mong stood up to say her prerecorded piece.

She said: "At this time of day when we're all looking to plant carrots and look after our sheep how can we possibly allow an airport to exist polluting the grass with wind and generally flying around a lot in the air stopping conversations like what we are having now."

At this point a plane went over drowning out the final 35 minutes or her speech but the enthusiastic crowd began throwing their hats in the air and waving banners reading "KIA: No way"

"I just couldn't stand it any longer."

Elderly resident Nicky Manly, 72, spoke of his continued pain living in Acol.

He said: "One day I was about to post a letter when I heard a plane overhead. Despite my recent praise for helping boost Thanet's economy and offering relatively cheap and exciting holidays to destinations from a-far-a-field as Jersey, I just couldn't stand it any longer. When I moved here in 2006 I just never thought it would happen."

Matt Sharke closed the meeting by driving a plane into the building.

Bag contains "nuts"

An Asda bag full of groceries was discovered in Acol last night and local bloggers have been dishing the dirt on its contents.

One local blogger, known for his irreverent style, listed the contents which included: Some Kellogg's cornflakes, a bag of nuts, some milk, a loaf of Warburtons white toasty loaf and a bag of rocket.

Kent Police's Serious Organised Crime and Kellogg's Squad (SOCK) were called in to investigate the claims that this bag in some way incriminated the person who had bought the items from the supermarket.

"Everything is okay."

Insp Kevin Phillips from SOCK said: "At this moment we have no comment to make about the items in the alleged bag that were allegedly stolen from Asda. Allegedly. I will however say that sales from Asda are not on the rise and everything is okay. So I'm told."

Blogger Nut McCreedy said the whole thing was a "disgrace" and plans to write a musical over the whole farce.

He said: "What I don't understand is why anyone does anything and we sit around drinking tea. Surely someone should think of the children, won't someone please think of the children. My plan is to then go into the middle eight with a choir singing rum-a-tum-tum over and over until the hall closes or a music promoter hears us."

Council officials have denied claims that any councillors shop at the discount store saying most of them prefer to shop at Waitrose and "wouldn't be seen dead" shopping in a store that has clothes with a mans name.

My Brain: Comment with Plane Matt

These days all I hear about from friends and relatives and people who stop me on the street and say "Oh hey Matt, did you hear they're building a new road? I'm going to eat some vegetables before it's too late."

I always say to them: "Listen person I just met. Just because they're using concrete doesn't mean they won't plant some trees in and around the place. We're not going to run out of oxygen you idiot."

As I left QEQM a thought suddenly occurred to me: What if we were all made of liquorice?

The bang on the face had done me good and despite promises of a bleak winter and the murmurings that someone was going to build something somewhere I slept easily knowing that at least come 2010 everything will be thriving and I'll be made of £10 notes.

"had some wine"

I opened a bottle of red in the evening and then thought: "Sod it" and had some wine instead which was a good move considering the day I'd had.

Anyway at least the economic situation is on the up and we can all look forward to liquorice from high street favourite Woolworths for years to come.

"grab a cat"

As I'm a columnist I should probably leave you with some political bias of some sort so I'll just say all politicians are awful, awful people and I once saw one grab a cat and throw it at a pensioner before kicking some gravel at a Dachshund.

Oh and the bins. What a mess. They could attract seagulls or something. And society in general is just really quite bad.

See you next week.

Mayor in "horse shame"

The mayor of Margate, Cllr Ryan Sullivan, was this week dubbed "a mare" after he was spotted riding a horse in Dane Park.

Mother-of-two Penelope Atkins was walking her two children and cats when he heard horse hooves heading towards her at a "shocking rate".

The 19-year-old said: "I just couldn't believe my ears and then when I turned around I couldn't believe my eyes. There he was just riding a horse without a care in the world. I quickly turned to my son Jackney and told him to get down on the floor in the recovery position and close his eyes."

It wasn't long before Ramsgate mayor, May Dark, turned up sporting a ribbon and roaring "Happy New Year" to anyone who would listen.

"Fallen asleep"

Dog walker and keen gardener Alf Bishop was pruning a cactus when the Dark crept up on him.

The 72-year-old said: "At first I just thought I'd fallen asleep for a bit but then I checked my watch and realised that in fact this was not the case. I turned and suddenly I realised I had been enveloped by a huge mayoral cape to which I had not agreed to."


Police say they are currently investigating the matter but cautioned anyone considering a trip to their nearest park.

Inspector Rod Steel said: "This is a completely isolated incident and at this time of year with Christmas over and nothing else for mayors to do other than smile they frequently turn to dramatic and sensational means to get column inches. I would assure you that mayor attacks are not on the increase and indeed over the last year we have seen a substantial fool."