Wednesday, 18 November 2009

Coming up in this week's SPORT

STUPID teenagers with nothing better to do than hang around street corners looking at phones and spitting can now be moved on by police.

Click here to read

Things I Hate - by Bert Simmons

Hello. Here's a list of things I hate in no particular order...

  • Copious numbers of CCTV Cameras.
  • Copious numbers of speed cameras.
  • Speeding motorists in narrow roads.
  • Audi drivers.
  • Mercedes drivers.
  • Suped up Ford Fiestas.
  • Drum and bass music in cars.
  • Old men with tracksuit bottoms, and tops, on.
  • Wet towels.
  • Spiders.
  • Pointless regulation like CRB checks for Johnny Ball.
  • Old people in shops.
  • Young people in shops.
  • Children in general.
  • Teenagers especially.
  • BBC 3 "documentaries" about how we're all dogging, waxing our pubic hair and watching Simon Cowell's face.
  • Unclear road markings.
  • Roads that are two lanes and become one without telling you.
  • Two lane roads with traffic lights that suddenly become one lane straight on and then the other lane turn right only.
  • People who get in the wrong lane of roads with traffic lights that suddenly become one lane straight on and then the other lane turn right only and try and squeeze in.
  • Cars that pull out expecting you to stop to let them into the flow of traffic.
  • Cars that don't stop to let you out when you've pulled out expecting someone to let you into the flow of traffic.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Hello

Hello my name is Widget Beranger, I want to be your next MP.

I have spent seven years running a dog training school and now think that Nasa flights from Manston are bad, those Japanese plans to build a super-site are bad and Turner Contemporary stinks of poopoo.

Vote for me and I'll make grass the number one option at Commons meetings.

Gordon will be thrilled. I will also ensure everyone gets a suit.

Vote for me.

Friday, 13 February 2009

Coming soon...


COMING soon to a blog near you is the Thanet Sport.

The red top tabloid version of the Isle of Thanet Express the Thanet Sport will bring you all the weekend's action in an easy to digest style.

Instead of police we'll say cops, instead of finance cabinet member we'll call them boss-of-something-or-other and if it's a councillor talking we'll make 'em sound like a twat.

That's right you can get all the latest up-to-date info with your Thanet Sport and we'll even chuck in some TV reviews and pairs of massive tits.

Private ads and free beer round of your essential start of the week reading. Don't miss it. Launching Sunday. Or Monday.

Celebrity Watch

Today local celebrity Harkny Chantelle Missouri Special Legs left her home at 10.03am.

Wearing some shoes she walked a small dog before bumping into ex-lover Mark.

They briefly kissed before she headed to Westgate Pavilion for a doughnut.

An onlooker said: "It looked like they didn't want to be seen together but I saw them together and my friend said they had sex together at one point."

At 11.01 Harkny left the Pavilion and tripped over a stone before going to a kebab shop and feeding a chicken one to her dog.

She entered an address on Adrian Square and emerged an hour later looking flustered with her hair all about her face.

Seven minutes later a man left and he looked the same.

A neighbour said: "I heard them doing it."

Westgate needs a sign

Westgate needs a sign.

Westgate deserves a sign.

Sign up now and show your support for a Westgate sign.

Resident and editor of the Isle of Thanet Express said: "I'm sick of driving into Birchington and it welcoming me to it and then turning up in bloody Margate. That's Westgate. Let's get the signs sorted. We need our own identity.

"Also sort the bloody car parking out."

Thursday, 12 February 2009

We are ready for launch

Space flights from Manston airport between 3am and 7.03am have been given the thumbs up at a full council meeting tonight.

TDC leader Kelvin Munch said Thanet was "open for business, open for abuse" when councillors voted 73 for and 3 against for the proposals.

Cllr Munchy said: "This is great. Cheers everyone. Even those who want me out and those who don't support the Tories. You're wrong, but thanks anyway."

Cllr Elizabeth Snatchell voted against the proposals saying: "We don't need no astronauts around here," before exploding.

The meeting had a five minute recess to allow slower councillors to read the new Section 106 agreement and those that had read it already were treated to a guest performance by Tom Jones.

Corporate Improvement Manager Sharon Cod said: "He was fabulous and even took his shirt off."

The changes to the 106 agreement will now allow astronauts to break wind during the day and fly really big space craft at night.

One of the astronauts, Colonel Franks said: "We might not even bother going to space. We'll just go round and round over Ramsgate. It'll be hilarious."

One councillor who wore a bag on his head said schools, cats, dogs, children, adults, young adults and old people would all suffer from the agreement.



He said: "Already people have started sneezing and one lady who moved under the flight path literally cannot stop shaking. She told me 'who'd have thought they'd start using that old airport' and she has a point. No one could have seen that coming."

Full council meeting suspended, cabinet members remained to increase council tax by £10k before eating some prawns.